It's "that" time of year

What is it about December and the Christmas season that turns happy people into raging lunatics?

Yesterday, on the way to the airport in Auckland, I saw a woman get out of her car and smear lipstick on another persons car window, and then climb onto the hood of the car. Clearly she had flipped out and lost it. What.The.Fuck.

There are so many miserable people on the streets that if you smile, you get no (or very few) smiles back. I dread heading to Lambton Quay on my lunch break as the misery on the faces of the people make me feel stressed.

People seem extra sensitive too. Comments that would have been taken as jokes a few weeks ago, are now hateful comments that split people apart. On twitter, people's stress and rage is spilling out all over the place.

So, this week, I'd like to try something. I asked people on twitter this morning to try #happythoughts. All you need to do is post something that isn't a rant. I'm going to try to do it this week. No more ranting for me this week. I'm going to focus on the great things, and let the things that make me feel ranty go.

So, here's what I'm looking forward to this week:
1. Wednesday is the Girl Geek Dinner! I'm looking forward to it. Hope to see you there.
2. Thursday is payday! And, it's another catchup for Christmas drinks with twitter people.
3. Friday is the GroverGetsOlder birthday party! I'm looking forward to celebrating her birthday a little early with the people who love her!
4. Saturday is an afternoon "tea" at my friend Jenn's along with several other ladies that I adore (and some I don't know). Looking forward to a little civilized and genteel company. ;-)
5. Saturday night I'm catching up with some good friends to reflect on the silly season.

What are you looking forward to?

Thanksgiving

Today, I am going to a thanksgiving celebration. Yep, its a few days late, and yep, there will be no turkey, but it will be friends getting together to enjoy time together and be thankful for that.

So, here are a few things I am thankful for:

Sunshine that warms my skin and makes everything bright.

Rain that cleanses the earth and makes things grow.

Friends who warm my heart and make things right in my world.

Family who form my foundation and make me want to be better.

I am thankful for every morning when I wake up and breath the air of a new day.

Thank you to all the people I love. You are my reason for being and I hope you know what you mean to me. <3

So, I'm growing a mustache ...

At least, I'm going to try with all my heart. I've signed up for Movember as a Mo Sista. I don't expect to actually grow a mustache, and I'm really hoping that agreeing to do it doesn't suddenly tick a box in my hormone delivery system that says grow facial hair.

My reasons are simple: I adore men! That's no surprise to anyone, really. I can't imagine my life without my random collection of male friends who make my life the joy ride that it is. (I love you ladies too, but this one is for the boys).

I've got an uncle who is a prostate cancer survivor. One of my favourite professors from university died of prostate cancer. It is, sadly, far too common. And, unfortunately, a lot of guys are embarrassed to get checked because of what's involved. I look at it this way, it's your dick! Keep it healthy so it keeps working!

I've also got male friends who struggle with depression. I've lost friends who couldn't battle on any longer and I don't want to lose any more. Anything I can do to help them out, I will do.

So, boys, I <3 you and I'm willing to grow facial hair for you! So, sponsor me, or sponsor my team or grow one of your own! Get involved!

Thoughts in the dark

Laying here with you on my mind.
Sometimes
I wonder where we went wrong.
Sometimes
I wonder if we can make it right again.
Sometimes
I don't want to be alone.

Then I remember.

And I know where we went wrong.
And it can't be fixed and it shouldn't.
And while I'm alone, I'm not as lonely anymore.

And so I'll say
Good bye.

Deep birthday thoughts

If you follow me on twitter, you have probably figured out it's my birthday today. It's not a milestone, but it is awfully close to one.

As one often does at this time of year, I've been thinking about life, the universe and everything. Apart from the cheeky 42 for an answer, what can I say?

10 years ago, when I was staring down the "no more 20 something" barrel, I was married, working for myself, owned a house (or at least owned part of a house along with a bank), making heaps of money, and generally relaxed about the way my 20s were finishing off.

Now, I'm staring down the "no more 30 something" barrel, and things are way different. I'm in the process of getting divorced, I work for a government-ish organization (which I love, btw), working reasonable hours (for less money than I was making at 29), renting a great apartment on the beach. I can say, though, that I'm generally relaxed about the way my 30s are finishing off.

I like the life I have now. It's a bit of a start over the last year or so. It's taking me a while to sort out things, but I'm pretty happy with the way I am travelling.

So, here's to another decade of goodness and change!

Cheers

What's in my fridge?

So, @greermcdonald just posted about what's in her fridge and asked others to share. I was laying around thinking I should really think about cooking dinner. This is one step closer.

I'll warn you that this isn't usually the contents of my fridge. I went shopping today and was overcome with good intentions and food lust.

So, starting with the door:

Feta cheese, pesto, cherry fruit paste, two open bottles of gherkins, a bottle of olives, honey, strawberry brandy jam, blueberry jam. On the bottom is Cherry Kool Aid, Orange Juice and lemonade.

Inside:

Top shelf: two tiny bottles of sav (from gift packs for something), salad dressing, maple syrup, cranberry/blackcurrant juice, tomato sauce, chocolate syrup, butter, olivani, soda water, milk, sugar syrup, home made chocolate syrup.
Second shelf: random beer and alcoholic beverages left behind by visitors
Third Shelf: 6 eggs, 2 containers of Piako lemon curd yoghurt, Perri sparkling pear cider, mayo, peach iced tea
Drawer: carrots (for Milly who gets one a day for sweet after evening tea), asparagus, 3 capsicum (one red, one yellow, one green)
Beside the drawer: steaks (one for me and one for Milly), beef mince, ham steaks

As you can see, I have good intentions of actually preparing meals. I just need to do it! :)

So, what's in your fridge?

Now what?

Feels weird not to be posting some weird 30 Days of Me post. I thought about doing the next challenge, but think I'll give it a miss. Probably shared more than people really cared to learn already. :)

Today I'm finally feeling human again. Yesterday was a jet lagged write off. Spent most of the day sleeping or laying on the sofa. Popped out for a bit to have coffee, but that was almost too much effort yesterday.

Much better now, though. Went to the supermarket this morning and spent heaps on food. The plan is to actually cook some stuff. I know, I don't cook. If things work out, I'll share what I made. Plan for tonight is steak, potatoes and veggies. Hard to screw that up. I got an extra steak for the dog. She's going to really love me.

30 Days of Me - 30

Favourite Song


Well, my favourite song changes depending on my mood, some stay always, some come and go. I've been away for a few weeks, and this is today's favourite song:
Depeche Mode - Home

30 Days of Me - 29

I'm preposting this one as I'll be in the air.
In this past month, what have you learned?


I've learned that I can actually write a little something every day.
I've learned a lot about the friends around me.
I've learned that flying for 14 hours makes my ass really sore.
I've learned that family and friends make the world go 'round.

30 Days of Me - 28

A picture of you from last year and now and how you've changed

November 2009 (Abel Tasman)

September 2010 (me and daddy)

How have I changed? I don't think I have changed, just become more comfortable in my own skin.

30 Days of Me - 27

Why the 30 day challenge?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.


OK, maybe not peer pressure, but it seemed like a good idea when everyone was talking about it. I've enjoyed doing it, and I've really enjoyed learning about the people I follow.

30 Days of Me - 26

What you think about your friends


I can't say enough about the people I am proud to call friend. They have enriched my life in ways I never thought possible. I have so much love for them that it fills me to overflowing. I hope I have given at least a little back of that they have given to me. <3

30 Days of Me - 25

What you'd find in my bag
My bag at the moment is crammed full of travelling goodness. Currently, there's a bag of peanut butter m&m's, a bag of skittles (taste the rainbow), my wallet, itineraries for Air New Zealand, West Jet, and Via Rail, lip balm, toothpaste, hand cream, toothbrush, tissues, headphones, spare batteries, camera, condoms, a pink Blue Jays hat, a bunch of crumpled up receipts, a program from Rock of Ages, a Gap bag containing 4 pairs of socks, and a pen.

30 Days of Me - 24

A letter to your parents
I actually just spent the last week with my parents. It was great to see them again. It's been nearly 3 years since I last saw them. A lot has happened in those three years. I think it was good for them to see me again so that they can worry a little less about how I've been.

So, here's what I would say:

Thank you for your support all my life. You let me make my own choices and always let me know that you were there for me no matter what. I know you haven't always agreed with the decisions I've made. Thank you for letting me make them anyway.

I love you both so much, and couldn't have asked for better parents.

30 Days of Me - 23

Something you crave

30 Days of Me - 22

What makes you different from everyone else?
"You're all individuals."
"We're all individuals."
"I'm not!" "Shhhh"
From The Holy Grail.

I am a unique individual.

I'm an interesting mix of shy and outgoing. I often sit in a crowd of people and just observe, especially if I'm new to the group. I am a bit sarcastic, and I often make cheeky comments.

I like being alone, but I also like being around people.

I suppose I'm just your standard mix of contradictions.

How would you describe me?

30 Days of Me - 21

A picture of something that makes you happy

That's easy - Milly.

30 Days of Me - 20

Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

This is an interesting question. Not sure I have a good answer to it. As those who know me are aware, I've been separated for nearly 2 years. I don't think I'll get married again. It's not that I'm bitter about marriage. In fact, as I type this, I'm sitting in a hotel room, 15,000 km away from home, preparing for my baby sister's wedding.

For me, though, I'm not sure I'll get married again. I'm not against a committed relationship though.

So, I guess it's a bit of a non-answer.

30 Days of Me - 19

Nicknames - most of us have at least one, whether we admit it or not.

Mickey - shouldn't be too much of a stretch to figure out where this came from. :) I still have Aunts who call me this.

Goofy - this from one guy growing up who was trying to be funny and not call me Mickey.

30 Days of Me - 18

Plans, goals and dreams, eh? - Warning inserted after I typed this post - it's a long and winding one. I apologize in advance of you reading it. My feelings won't be hurt if you don't make it to the end. xx

I suppose that for the last few months, I have actually been stagnating. Floating along in a sea of mediocrity as it were.

Next year is a bit of a milestone year for me, and it's sort of crept up and caught me a little unready. I always knew the time would come, but I wasn't entirely ready for it.

When I was 20, I thought that when I reached this point in my life, I would have a husband and a couple of kids, be nearing the end of my mortgage payments, be settled into some sort of nebulous career. In reality, I have an ex-husband who didn't want children (or at least that's what he told me), no mortgage (or house of my own for that matter), but I do have a pretty good career going. It's like I'm starting fresh again.

Do I want children now? I've been thinking about this lately. I don't think I do. I certainly wouldn't buy a spermsicle and impregnate myself. But what if I met someone and he wanted kids? Would I then? I don't know. Never say never, I suppose. (anyone who knows me knows that this is a huge thing for me to say).

Will I get married again? Probably another of those never say never things. I joke about getting married in Vegas to a random stranger on my birthday next year, but I'm not really interested in being married again. Would I like to be in a committed relationship again? Hell yeah! I miss so much about being with someone.

Right, I think I meandered off on the hopes and goals and dreams that were supposed to be the theme of this post. So, here goes:
1. Save, save, save - I want to travel and see amazing things. This means I need to stop spending my disposable income on socializing every night and put some money away.
2. Travel, travel, travel - I have at least 2 trips planned for next year. One is to the UK for a friend's wedding. She is getting married in June and it's a good excuse for me to finally get to Europe. I'll probably only be there for a couple of weeks, but it's a start. The second trip is my birthday trip to Vegas. I hope you're planning to come along. :P
3. Relax and let life happen - I can spend a little too much time in my head sometimes. It's time to let that go.
4. Career - I've kind of stagnated on this front too. Time to kick that in the ass and do amazing things again.

So, those are my top long term goals. If you made it this far in this long ramble, thanks for reading.

30 Days of Me - 17

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

This one is tough. I thought about posting about switching lives with my dog. She's got a pretty good life. I love her to bits, spoil her rotten, and I've often said that I would love her life. But, that's easy.

I thought about switching with a lady who lunches. I joke that I could live that life. And if it was only one day, I probably could handle it. Think about it. Sleep in, get up and have a coffee made for you by some house staff, roll out of bed to meet other ladies who lunch for lunch and then spend the afternoon at the spa getting hair, face, whatever done. Then off for some shopping before going home to be the trophy for some man who works all day to afford the maintenance of said trophy. Nice idea. I would be so bored I would probably put a gun to my head.

In reality, for the most part, I like my own life. I like the person I've become, and while it's not all roses, it's not all stinkweed either. So, thanks, but I'll stay me: today, tomorrow and always.

30 Days of Me - 16

Another photo of me. Must give the audience what it wants. :)

30 Days of Me - 15

Put your iPod on shuffle. What are the first 10 songs?

1. Chim Chim Cher-ee – From Mary Poppins 
2. Strangelove – Depeche Mode 
3. Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) – Eurythmics 
4. It’s All Been Done – Barenaked Ladies 
5. What I Like About You – The Romantics 
6. White America – Eminem 
7. Life on Mars – David Bowie 
8. Paradise by the Dashboard Light – Meat Loaf 
9. London Calling – The Clash 
10. She Ain't Pretty – The Northern Pikes

30 Days of Me - 14

Photos of me and my family

Me, mom and dad at Pancake Bay Provincial Park. That's Lake Superior in the background.

Me, my mom and my sisters. :) OK, maybe not that recent.

30 Days of Me - 13

A letter to someone who has hurt you


I was cautious. I held back a little of my heart. I was afraid of getting hurt. Then you said the words.

“I love you.”

No prompting, it wasn’t even a good time to say it. You just blurted it out.

My heart soared.

We were happy. We would figure it out. You loved me and I loved you.

Then, you had to make a choice. You chose not me and broke my heart.

I wept tears from my soul and it tore me to pieces.

Now, after time to reflect, I have forgiven you. I hope you can find happiness someday. And, I still, in part of my heart, love you.

30 Days of Me - 12

Why a blog?

Originally, I created this blog as a place to write about moving to New Zealand. Then I deleted the posts. Then I wrote a few rants. Then I deleted the posts. Then I was going to post books I read. I didn't delete those posts, but I failed at continuing. It's an interesting exercise to see if I can actually complete the 30 days of me, and secondly, if I can actually keep it up after that.

30 Days of Me - 11

Another photo of me and my mates!

Me and Cipri shopping for furniture. :)

Me and Anthony - taken nearly a decade ago. :)

Man, I have lots of pics of friends, but few with me in them. Mission for this year is to change that.

30 Days of Me - 10

Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad


Happy song - I'll listen to just about anything when I'm in a good mood. 


Sad song - When the Body Speaks by Depeche Mode


Bored song - When I'm bored, I need upbeat music otherwise I turn emo. 


Hyped song - I listen to dance mixes when I'm hyper. Helps me to dance around and burn energy.


Mad song - Death on Two Legs by Queen (it's a pretty angry sarcastic song). When I used to commute back in the day, I listened to Eminem and 50cent at loud volumes. I found it got rid of my road rage. :)

30 Days of Me - 09

Today's prompt is to write about something I'm proud of in the last few days.

Not sure it really counts, but I finished my Christmas shopping :P I'm not entirely "proud" of it, but I suppose that it's also an accomplishment that I got past my usual procrastinating to get it done before I head to Canada this weekend.

30 Days of Me - 08

Day 8 - Short term goals for this month and why

1. To actually make it to day 30. This is an interesting exercise, and I'm hoping that I get into the habit of blogging a little more regularly.
2. To make it through my family visit without going postal on anyone. :)

30 Days of Me - 07

Day 7 - A picture of someone or something that has had the biggest impact on you

This one was easy and hard. Easy because I knew who the picture would be. Hard because, well, it is.

This is Alynn. This picture was taken on the night we were going to a fancy restaurant to celebrate her graduation from university.

Background: My dad has one brother. Both my dad and his brother had all female progeny. I am the oldest. Alynn was the youngest. Alynn had the brightest smile, and a great attitude. Being around her made me happy to know her. We weren't that close growing up, mostly because I was a fair bit older that her. That changed when she went to university. The school she chose was only about an hour away from where I was living. She used to come and spend weekends. I really got to know her in the years she was in uni, and I really loved and admired the woman she was becoming.

In 2004, she was killed in an accident. One minute she was there, and the next gone. It hit the family really hard. It hit me really hard. She was 24, she had a boyfriend who loved her, and she was going places. Then she was gone from our lives.

I still miss her. Every year when her birthday comes around, I get a little quiet and reflective. Every day I see her picture and I miss her.

Her death was a real motivator for me. It grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and shook me around. I realized that instead of just thinking about doing something I should just do it. As a result, I try to make decisions that promote a better life for me. Sometimes I'm even successful at it. It's what got me to slip the chains of my safe life and move out into the world.

I still miss you, Alynn. xx

30 Days of Me - 06

Day 6 mission is Favourite Super Hero and Why.

For me, Wonder Woman holds a special place in my heart. I suppose it was the first exposure I can remember as a little girl to a “powerful” woman. She was strong, and she was beautiful and she could make the bad men tell the truth. What woman doesn’t want that, right? Between her and Jamie Summers (the bionic woman), they formed what I thought a strong woman could be.

Plus, she’s hawt!

30 Days of Me - 05

Day 5 mission is to post a picture of somewhere I've been. This photo is taken on the hiking trail at Gargantua Harbour on the north shore of Lake Superior. This picture basically marks the spot I always thought my ashes would be scattered when I die. Now that I live in New Zealand, I'm going to have to find a new location.

30 Days of Me - 04

OK, so I missed posting yesterday - too much socializing. I've posted it now, and here's today's mission: A habit I wish I didn't have.

I'm a procrastinator. Why do today what you can put off for tomorrow. I wish I wasn't. Been bitten once or twice, but apparently I'll never learn.

30 Days of Me - 03

Today's mission: Post a picture of you and your friends. I have heaps of friends and pictures, but here's one from a great time. :)This photo was taken at the end of a mission to Ohakune. Even though I was born and raised in Canada and lived there for decades, it was my first ski trip. :) This is Stacy, me, Cipri, Nick, Van, Arjun and Jake.

30 Days of Me - 02

The plan for today is to explain the name of my blog. It's pretty simple, really. First, the origins of Smrt. This came from the episode of the Simpson's where Homer sets fire to the house while dancing around singing "I am so smart! S!M!R!T! S!M!A!R!T! DOH!" The Grl part I would hope is obvious! :)

30 Days of Me - 01

So, Day 1 is to post a recent photo of myself and 15 interesting facts about myself. The photo was taken in November last year. I went tramping by myself on the Abel Tasman trail. Great experience and if you're in NZ and haven't done it yet, why not?

Not sure about interesting, but here are some things about me:

1. I was born on a Wednesday which means, apparently, I'm supposed to be full of woe. I get a little emo from time to time, but I'm pretty content with my life.
2. I always wanted to be a doctor. I had decided on neurosurgery because the brain fascinated me. Then, I read an article in the Reader's Digest about a day in the life of one. The first patient had his head drilled into to relieve pressure, which resulted in blood and pus shooting from the hole described in gory detail. At that point, I decided to be an accountant.
3. I didn't become an accountant. I went to a small university where I had one of the 3 professors as my accounting prof. First day of class he stated "There are no stupid questions." The first person to ask a question got a strange look and the question "What are you, stupid?" What he clearly meant was that there are no stupid questions, only stupid people. Out of fear that I would have his guy teaching classes every term of my degree, I switched to computer science.
4. The first computer arrived in our house when I was 9. I've been playing with them ever since. Damn, that's a long time.
5. I played in the Wellington regional event for the International Monopoly tournament. I didn't win, but I had fun.
6. I do leadlighting for fun. I don't do it as often as I would like, but when I get started, I lose time. Plus, it lets me play with a soldering iron.
7. I have a pretty large collection of DVDs.
8. The first time I flew in an airplane was when I was going for a job interview at a pulp and paper mill in a remote town in Manitoba, Canada. The town was almost 600km away from the nearest "big"city as the crow flies, but as the road travels it was much further. I was short listed to 2. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be doing if I had gotten that job. Crazy lady in the wilderness is my guess.
9. I try to celebrate Champagne Thursday whenever I can. It's not really about drinking, it's more about celebrating being alive.
10. My favourite restaurant meal was at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Arlington VA. The restaurant had an amazing view of the White House and the Mall, and the steak was absolutely to die for several times over. It was late, my colleague and I had been in the car for hours, and the service was fabulous.
11. I am the oldest child in my family.
12. My best birthday was when I turned 20. It actually started out quite crap. My boyfriend at the time had to go out of town to his parents' house instead of coming out for my birthday. He didn't tell me until the afternoon of the day though. I called my friend Anthony to tell him it was my birthday and I was alone. He immediately picked me up and called another friend. We went to the local brew bar, had a few, and then more friends rolled in. I ended up eating cake and drinking with 8 guys who were good friends which made up for one stupid boyfriend. :)
13. We did a Belbin team study at the beginning of a project I worked on. I'm a Shaper.
14. My favourite programming language is probably Pascal, but that's probably because it has a special place in my heart.
15. I actually own a onesie. It has teddy bears on it.

30 Days of Me - Day nothing

So, I've decided to give the 30 days of me blogging challenge a try. Here's what to expect over the next 30 days.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn't have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you've been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you're proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.

Not sure I'll make it, but it's worth a try. :)